Since I use to smoke a pack-a-day, I have the right to print this.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Ain’t that grand?

Here’s some funny one-liners that may help your weekend with a laugh. Thanx, Danaela!

“Don’t let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case”

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit’s end, you’ll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong.

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He’ll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts!”

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

If God is your Copilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don’t give God instructions — just report for duty!

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year … that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn’t called back.

I guess he felt really stupid!

Advantages of driving in Germany:

1. Overall, the cars are in much better condition because of tough inspections.

2. Licenses are much harder to get, with better driver training.

3. The autobahn speed limit is “whatever is safe”.

Disadvantages of driving in Germany:

When you fly off the road at 155 mph, you find out why oak was used as armour on ships.

Oh man, some people need to read between the lines and not take everything serious. Poor Ben, fooled by the iPod Video picture…

Sometimes it just takes the mind of a child…

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into
Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”

It’s funny, this 0 carb and 0 fat thing has gotten out of control, lately. All sorts of foods and drinks are now jumping on the band wagon with this and it cracks me up. Just this weekend at Santa Monica beach, I see a plane fly over the water with a big banner stating, “0 Carb! 0 Fat!” and it was for Bacardi. Mmm, last I looked, it had a good chunk of calories of which the banner omitted from all us fat sun tanners below.

Seeing that gave me the idea to put this together. I mean sure it has no carb’s or fat but dude, it’ll still kill you at worst and have you gain weight at average! Come on! So I felt it necessary to put this ad together. Like the rum advertisement, this one is true as well. I mean it even helps you loose weight by curbing your appetite! It’s too good to be true, huh? Well in case you didn’t know, the Marlboro man died a year or so ago and he died of, yup, lung cancer. But he was skinny.

Yes, it’s tough to believe that Apple is switching and yes it’s going to be hard to face all the PC friends we went off on for years about their inferior processor architecture. But hey, it’s all for a better cause in the end, right? I mean now the Blue Men can dance to neon green backgrounds with white cords coming out of their ears. It’s a marriage made in heaven. Come on, just accept it folks, it’s the only way to defeat the Empire! Aaah, okay, just read the stupid comic, then.

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he walked along he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and looked. He saw a 9-foot grizzly charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder –the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest as silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

“You denied my existence for all of these years, teaching others I don’t exist, and you even said that creation is a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice. The light went out and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and said: “Lord, Bless this food that I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful.”

In a day gone rough following a day gone bad, this was just what I needed.

An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked: “Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?”

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: “Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German.”

The group became silent